This is so weird. I'm pretty sure you could get a psychology PhD out of my awkward situation with kids -- or, more specifically about having kids. I'm totally fine and cool with other people's offsprings and usually have a blast of a time with them, but at the end of the day I can't say I'm impatient to reproduce the feat. But these days I'm compelled to think about these questions more and more often. And I must admit I'm becoming less and less sure of my answer.You could blame my hesitation on many things. Our unusual family model (or was it, really?), world wide tendencies, or even the fact that I'm biologically quite young and my body's just recovering from a major hormonal havoc. The impacts of all those things are influenced by other factors in turn, are very much limited and prone to change. One could easily overcome any of them, and end up having a nestful of the little sweet chubby things gurgling and giggling all about the place. I somehow can't see that happen so easily for me.
The problem is twofold, or rather, fourfold. First of all, I'm thinking along two lines here: is it a good idea for baby? and is it a good idea for me? Secondly, and this depends on my mood, I tend to be emotional-daredevil and rational-businesslike alternately. You see? I'm far from easy. Sometimes I contemplate my mental list, well, four lists actually, but I often just smile and think that by the time comes I'll know anyway. But will I?
Well, you must know me a little to understand my dilemma, or the myriad of dilemmas I'm having in this case. I should think if you've read any of my posts you already know me a bit. So you know that I tend to (over)analyze situations, set up different hypotheses, only to chuck the whole lot of them out on a whim and do what my heart tells me on an impulse. (Yeah, that's what you get with a Libra-Sagittarius combo, and I wouldn't give a dam' about astrology if it wasn't so awfully right in this case.) It could, eventually, happen the same way with me and kids. They are (most of the time) fairly easy to have on a whim, and you could consider the problem solved. But the funny thing is, it's not really the making of that bothers me, I know we can deal with that. ;) But then there's a whole family series to work through, and I want that part to be really really good if I want it at all. I want to have a family nurtured in fuzzy cozy warm love and by countless funny adventures and by an incredibly awesome acceptance of each other by all parties involved. I want us to be beautifully healthy, inside and out, and dream of a life of sweet romance, crazy adventures and comic relief, all of us enjoying it immensely and maturing in the process.
I have my reasons to stick to that dream. I know it's half crazy, but that's one of the biggest reasons to stick to it. All the others go along the lines of my 4 arguments, namely that it should be good for us parents and good for the kids, both emotionally and rationally. So I do know that for some reasons the whole thing is a good idea. On the other hand... You't think that after writing about my dream and playing with all those little nuggets, biology would kick in... It does, to some extent, but my biology has been my guardian angel for too long. It's trained to get me out of trouble, and it does the job this time round as well. It tells me that I'm not mother material, something I'm very much aware of. I know many scenarios, from being a 'real' mom to making an adventure of the whole thing, the kids coming out real cool all the same. I know I can be pretty momish and pretty cool too, I'm just not sure I can keep up the act for 20 or so years (I bet it's a life time job, though). See, I want to try, but I doubt my free spirit can keep to it. So I'm wondering whether it's a good option for said kids.
I guess I could grow into the role. But, question is, do I want to? Is this whole idea a good option for me? As I said before, there are no compromises here. I know I can't be happy with compromises, and I hate striving. (I normally pick goals that are in line with my natural personal development, believing in the fact that we all have outstanding qualities -- we simply have to find them.) I can't do this if I feel I have to change who I am or what I like doing. And for the dream I have I guess I'd have to change quite a lot. But then again, giving up the dream is not who I am...
I still have some time. Not a lot, but some. Mayhaps I grow up in a couple of years and become a real mom... or, I get real determined and cool and get to be a cool mom... or, I admit that the dream and me are lightyears apart and there's no point in chasing it. One thing's for sure. I'll not have a family based on a compromise or a lie, an unattainable dream, or total self denial. I'm not giving in to social convention either. I don't know, I honestly don't, if I'll ever have a family. But I know that the day decide to have one it will become my dream.
Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts with me.
Have a great weekend, full of
fuzzy cozy warm love
amazing crazy adventures
awesome life changing experiences.